自叙伝・・・・これはある人に宛てた手紙です。

Date: Tue, 05 Mar 2002 13:15:06 +0900
To: Richard
Subject: I would be happy if you read it when you have a free time.

Dear Richard,

I have told you my story briefly, but now I would like to tell you more, exactly what happened.
I do not know why I want to tell you. It might be just because I want to talk to you, or I want to practice my writing English?! Of course not! Probably it is because I believe that you will understand me.

It will be a long story, it might take several days to write.
You might be interested in, because it is not a normal story, but if you are not interested in or tired of reading or too busy to read, please just throw it a way. I read my emails again and found a lot of spelling mistakes and grammatical mistakes. I do not know if I can explain correctly, but I will do my best, and I swear that I will tell you the truth, I will be honest.

It was May 1992 when I first met him(Ts). I was asked to do the interpreting job at a meeting held in a natural farm. I was interested in the natural agriculture and I translated the book(into Korean) of the farmer who owned the farm. He was also interested in, so he came to the meeting.
I also translated a book of a Korean hermit into Japanese, which he also read, so he was interested in me. So it was him who first spoke.

At first, I was not interested in him at all, but I was very surprised when I realized that he understood exactly what I said. When I talk to people, I normally feel that they understand me from 20% to 80%, never 100%. But he understood 100%. I could feel it when I saw his eyes.

I thought he would be a very nice friend of mine. I did not feel him as a man at all. It might be because I was pregnant.
The farm was very far from my house where he stayed at that time. One day when he had a chance to come to Tokyo, he came to see me.
I was very confused when I realized that I was very exited to see him. I tried my best to conceal my feeling but it was no use. I burst into tears and said "I love you". He said "Me, too. That is why I came here." But I thought that we could not meet again. I think he thought so, too.

When I wrote a letter to him after he went back in which I wrote about Stuart's word, "You cried because someone had come back." , he wrote back to me, "I believe the day will come when I come back to you." But it did not sound like it would happen in this world. Maybe after we died, or the next life, if it exists...

I was one of the self-training people who tried to be enlightened at that time. He wanted to be enlightened, too. It seemed that he had a very hard childhood. He had a very strict father who was 95 when I met him(he was 25). Our conversations were very spiritual, as if I was the master and he was the disciple.
I had believed that people must try to be enlightened all by themselves. I had believed that people who were enlightened could love all the people in the same way. And I really wanted to help him to be enlightened.

So when I read his letter, I felt he was cling to me, which was the biggest obstacle to be enlightened. So one day I felt that I should cut off him and I did, not because I did not love him, but because I really wanted him to be happy. I did not want him to do anything for me. I was completely satisfied that I could love him. I believed that it was the best way to love, to be able to love him without needing him.

I could feel him cried and suffered, even if I was very far away from him. They were very strange experiences which never happened before. One midnight, just before Stuart's brother(Kazu) was born, I felt that he came and held me. I could not see him of course, but I could feel him very clearly. It was not a dream. I was wide awake. Maybe it was his astral(?) body. I felt that he needed me deadly. I was so happy to be needed by him, but at the same time, I was very very sad because I could not do anything to save him.

I had thought I had overcame my 'womanness' by self-training. But that night, I realized that it was just because I had not noticed that I was a woman yet. I realized that I could not be perfect all by myself. I realized that I was only a half who deadly needed him. And I became ill.

(I have found that you have sent me your email just now. You are so kind. Thank you very much! You do not have to reply for this mail. So you can throw it away freely if you are not interested in.)

I dreadfully wanted him to come back. No matter it was real or 'astral'. But he never came back. In my dream he was a very cruel and angry man just like a self-training hermit who tried very hard to run away from women but failed it. I deadly needed him but he completely ignored me. I could not believe that he could ignore me, but he did. I became 35 kg and I was almost dead.

When I confessed everything to my husband, I had become a little bit better, but I was still ill. I have some Korean friends who were the disciples of the hermits. One of them(he used to be my master) heard about me and came to help me. He used the very strange operation using a sheet of paper, which could produce the QI(KI) power. The hermit in Korea had put the power in the paper. It was a kind of remote-control treatment. It worked very strangely. When I felt it, I burst into laughter. I laughed and laughed and I was cured.

But I knew that it was a temporary cure. I thought I should meet Ts again, so that I could find out what was wrong with me. When my Korean friend came to see me in Oct.1993, I asked him to meet Ts with me. I asked Ts's mother where he lived, because I knew he had been to India for a long time. Ts lived near Tokyo at that time, so I could get in touch with him and meet him again.

He was very cold to me. He said, "I do not like you at all." I felt that it was no use to talk to him any longer. But when we said good-by, he wanted to hold my hand. I held it, and I could not let him go. He looked very confused. As I departed on a train he looked at me, he looked very very sad.

I said to my Korean friend that it was no use meeting him. Even though he could not understand our conversation at all because it was Japanese, he said,

"No. No. I felt you loved each other. I could feel because I am a man, that he completely controlled himself."

If he really did not like me, I could give up him very easily, because my biggest desire is his happiness. But if he wants me but he put up with it, I will be ill again. It is too cruel to me.
I wrote a long letter to him, saying how much I loved him, how much I suffered for a long time, and at the end, I wrote, "Please marry somebody as quickly as possible. It is too hard for me if you are single."
There was no reply. The hard days came back to me again, but I did not know what to do.

But, about one month later, when I was walking along a street in Tokyo, I found that he, Ts was walking towards me. It was my birthday. I was very surprised and he was more. Somebody said "The accidental meeting makes people defenseless." So was he. I could feel that he loved me a lot. But when he noticed it, he suddenly ran away. And he has shut himself like a shell since then.

I was completely stuck. I wrote to him, rang him up, but completely refused. I was becoming ill again, when my Korean friend advised me to take a self-training course, called "Avatar". It was made by Harry Palmer, an American. It is a training to be completely honest. I did not feel that it would work, but as I was stuck, I decided to go to Korea to take the course.(It was not known in Japan yet.) Although many people seemed to become feel much better after the course, it did not work to me. It seemed that nothing but him could cure me. But as I was the first Japanese who took the course, I was recommended to go to USA to take the Master course, so that I could introduce it in Japan.
I went to USA, March 1994 with Stuart(I don't remember why) when he was 4. S who will look after him in NZ also went from Korea with her daughter. We hired a baby-sitter, and they played together very happily. But one day, when Harry Palmer was talking to all of the students, Stuart suddenly began to cry very loudly. Harry did not care, but his wife was furious. She shouted to me "Get him out!!" I felt that Stuart did not like the atmosphere. Harry always says, "it is not a religion." "You must not admire me." But the things always become like that.

I was a very bad student and I could not make any progress, but they gave me the license as a Master. They wanted me to introduce it in Japan. Although I could not make any progress, I saw a lot of people became very happy, honest and self-confident, so I thought it was my obligation to do the course in Japan.

It was 6-12th June 1994, at the first Avatar course in Japan, when all the strangest things happened to me. It might be very difficult for you to believe because you did not see it. But I swear, I will tell you exactly what happened to me. I borrowed a house next to us for the course which was vacant at that time.

Since it was the first course in Japan, many masters and a lot of students from Korea came to help me. There were 3 Japanese students. But as the course went by and most of them had become quite honest, one of the Japanese students suddenly went mad.
Korean masters told me to let him out of the course to make it successful, but I thought if we could not save him, the course would be no use.
I said I would look after him, not because I was confident, but I just did not want to run away from the situation. Ts was always running away from me and I was suffering from it, so I did not want to do so.

It seemed that in the mad man, there was another man. I do not know what to say in English. All the people were frightened, but I was not because he was my friend. He tried to frighten me but I sat in front of him calmly. Suddenly, I felt like I wore something. I felt it like clothes but maybe it was a invisible woman. 'She' started moving my body and did very funny treatments, which was just like the Ghost Movies in Hongkong. It seemed that 'she' knew exactly what to do. So I trusted her and let her do anything she wanted. I could not help doing so because I did not know what to do.

People were all shocked. Korean masters said, "What are you doing? You have to follow the Master's manual!" "I am doing nothing!" I answered, but very few masters except of my old master understood what I said. Anyway it was only me who could treat him.
One night, when I was going to go home(next door), I found I could not open all the doors. They were not locked, they just did not open. My old master said there were a strange energy filled in the house which would not let me out. It was when Stuart said "Mommy is too busy I need another mommy."
I had to spend the night with the mad man. I made love with him, which I had never expected. It was like... the man in the mad man and the woman I wore, had to borrow our body to make love, for the purpose of letting him out of the mad man. Anyway there is no excuse that I made love with him. But I realized that making love was a very important factor of enlightening, as the woman I wore was trying to enlighten the man in the mad man.

I have succeeded to help the mad man back to normal at the end. But to our surprise, he started to frighten the masters again with a knife, not because he was mad but to teach the masters who tried to let him out of the course.
He took the knife and shouted. "Look at your fear!" If they could see their fear exactly, he freed them. But if they refused to look at their fear, he hit them very strongly, shouting, "Look at your fear!" "Look at your fear!"
Yes, if you can see your fear exactly, it really disappears. Because fears are born when you do not see the situation exactly, trying to run away from it. It seemed that men had got more fears than women. But at last most of them had succeeded to see their fears exactly, including J who did not attend the course, thanks to the mad man. I am sure that the mad student had come to test the masters.

But that night, he suddenly disappeared. When everyone was worrying about him, the telephone rang. It was him. He said to me, "The thing which can not be told, is your telephone number." That was all.
I could not understand the meaning at all. (But you will know it later.)

Next morning (13th June 1994)he rang me up again. "You should go to Mr Goi. As soon as possible." Mr Goi was already dead, but he is quite famous in Japan and some countries. He made a lot of peace poles on the earth, saying "May peace prevail on earth" I never met him but I have read some of his books. So I went to his successor's office with my Korean friend(old master), Stuart and Kazu.

Suddenly something dropped into my head. That was a great shock. I fell down and woke up, and it was not me. I could see everything and I could hear everything. I knew what I was doing but did not know WHAT I WOULD DO at all. I was totally controlled by someone inside me. I suppose it was Mr Goi himself, but I am not sure. I went into the hall which said "do not come in". I looked at the big photogragh of Mr Goi. Suddenly, I started to break it. I was very surprised and shouted, "Stop!" But something inside me said to me, "Be strong!" I realized that he wanted me to break it. So I broke it completely.

After I came out of the hall, I told my Korean friend to go home with my children and with my bag. (It was not me, but him inside who said it.) "I am going to die." I said and I realized that I was going to die. I was completely stuck at that time, and Stuart had found his second mommy, so I thought I could die if the heaven wanted me to. Stuart cried a lot but Kazu did not at all. I thought I could never see my children again.

After they went home, I felt very strong energy coming into me. A man came and said, "You broke the photo, did not you? " "Yes, I did." He looked a bit frightened. "Wait here!" he said. I was waiting for him there. The energy was getting stronger and stronger. To my surprise, when he came back with another man, he could not see me. I walked around him several times, but he did not notice. Not only him, but also all the people who passed by did not notice me at all. I realized that I was invisible. I thought I was not a person in this world anymore.

After it got dark, I suddenly started walking. I stopped a taxi. (That means I was back to visible, then.) I went in and said, "Noborito" I was very surprised. It was where Ts lived. I did not know that I was supposed to go to him at all. That was a happy shock. The heaven told me to throw away everything in this world and go to him!
But that was the only start of the true adventure.
to be continued...

(I feel a bit tired. I will write the next part later. I hope you have enjoyed it!)

Kyoko

It was very far from Mr Goi's office to his flat. It takes more than 2 hours and costs more than 400NZD. As I had not got anything, the driver seemed to worry about it. I knew the address of his flat, but I had never been there. But I was not worried because I was sure that the man inside me knew exactly where it was. When I reached near his flat, I (of course not me but the man inside) started to tell the driver which way to go, but the driver said to me. "It is very strange. We are driving the same way around again and again. Have you got the money?" "No." "We will go to the police, then." So we went to the police station.
At the policed station, I was asked where I was going. I replied(of course not me but him inside!)
"I have been living with Ts for 2 years but he meets another woman so I was very angry and I went out home with nothing!"
Of course it was a lie!
The policeman asked me his address and I answered. Then he asked me his telephone number. Of course I knew his telephone number, but I could not remember, so I could not tell him. Suddenly I remembered the mad man's call.

"The thing which can not be told, is your telephone number."

and I realized the real meaning of these words.
As they could not ring him up, a policeman went to see him to tell him to pay the taxi fee instead of me. Soon, there was a telephone call from the policeman. Ts noticed that it was me. The policeman said,
" You are lying, aren't you? We know where you live."
And they rang up my house, where everybody was worrying about me.

When my Korean friend arrived home with my children, he said to J crying,
"I am sorry I could not protect Kyoko."
J said, "It is OK. She is the person who has something to do." J understood me better than any other people hott time.
J decided to come to help me by taxi(it was nearly midnight) when he got the telephone call from the police station.

While I was waiting for J to come, the TV was on. Suddenly. there was a breaking news.

"North Korean Government said. If the Japanese government take the sanction with North Korea, we will accept it as the proclamation of war."

The proclamation of war? That is not normal. I was very busy at that time so I did not know about it, but there was a suspect of producing nuclear weapons of North Korea. And Japanese foreign minister had talked about the sanction to stop North Korea. I was surprised to hear the news but I did not know that it had something to do with me yet!

When J arrived and paid the fee, I suddenly said J in English.
"I have to go to Ts now. If not, the war will break out. North Korea will start the war. The target is Japan!"
He was very surprised, of course me, too. But as I was very serious, J believed me. So we went off to Noborito where he lived again on another taxi, but when I told the driver which way to go, he said,
"It is not Noborito this way." I said, "It is OK."
When we came to one business hotel, we got off the taxi.
The front door was already shut. All the windows were dark, except one on the 3rd floor. I said, "He is there!"
I walked around the hotel almost all night, as if to keep him away from something. At 4:30, a newspaperman came. I went in with him and said.
"I am so tired I want to have a rest."
"I am sorry the rooms are full. You can have a rest on the sofa."
They pointed the sofa. When they all went in to the office, I took the lift to go to the 3rd floor. I did not go to the room straight away. I went to the other end. I knocked at the door and said, I am sorry, I knocked at the next door and said, I am sorry. I did not know why I did it. I am very sorry to the people who had been woken up in the early morning but it was him inside me who did it anyway.
When I came to the room which the light was on, I did not knock. I kicked the door very hard and shouted, "Come out, Ts!"
Nobody came out. There was somebody in the room. If he was not Ts, he could come out and say "I am not Ts, go away." But nobody came out, but policemen came again.
I kept shouting in front of the room. "If you are not honest, the war will break out!" I asked J to say something to him. J said.
"I am very sorry. I will give Kyoko back to you, so please forgive me. "
I thank J very much. He helped me a lot! When the policemen tried to take me out, J had to stand between me and policeman to protect me. He understood me well, but if he had agreed with me, the policemen would have thought that he was also mad, and we all had to go to jail.
Because J acted as my guardian, they freed me without punishment. When I went out of the hotel, my strange power started dying out. I wanted to go to his flat but I had to ask the postman where it was. His flat was empty. When I saw that, I was myself again and did not know what to do. J said,
"let's go home."

That was the real reason I made up my mind to divorce. I had not realized it at all, but when I met Ts for the first time, north and south Korea had a very good relationship. But as our relationship went wrong, so did north and south. Ts has got very similar character as north Korea, very strict, ascetic, hungry, closed... the things which are similar affect each other, even if they are a man and a country! I had to divorce, not only for my happiness, but also for the peace of the earth.

As J agreed to divorce, I rang up my close friend. "Will you marry my husband?" She was very surprised and furious. But as she was furious, I thought it would go well. I was sure that she had some feeling to J.

I rang up Ts, too. Surprisingly, he answered the phone. I could not talk well as I had shouted too much, but I explained what had happened to me, and I said I would divorce. He said " You are stupid!" But I never asked him "You were in the hotel, weren't you?" He never said "I was not in the hotel." He only said, "I wish it will never happen again."

It was not known those days but there really was a crisis of the war at that time, and it suddenly ended when Carter went to north Korea to meet Kim il song on the 16th June 1994. But I felt that the real crisis ended around the dawn of 14th.

Although we decided to divorce, we still lived together as a friend because of our children. Our relationship was best at that time, so my parents living with us was very angry to hear that we would divorce. But because we decided to divorce and wished each other's happiness, we could have such a good relationship.

I wanted to see Ts again, but it was very difficult. He shut his door very firmly and never opened for me. One day, I was too angry to wait, so I took off my underwear and put it in the hole of the door for newspapers, which was the only weak point of the door of his flat. I know you did not want to hear this but I swore that I would be honest so I had to say. Of course I knew that I was very rude, but there is no way to let him out instead of this.

He was furious. He came out and hit me very hard. I was nearly dead, but I accepted all his violence, because I could imagine how much he was suffering. As he went calm, I started talking, very calmly. He was listening. I explained everything I had experienced, my view of the future, how precious the harmony of men and women is.....
"I hate you!" He said.
"Why?" I asked, "because I am older than you?"
He did not say anything but his eyes said no.
"Because I was married?"
His eyes said yes.
"I do not regret my marriage."
He looked surprised.
"Because of my children. They wanted to be born from me."
"Please give me a hug!" I said. He said "No!"
"Then hold my hand, you did it for me before."
"I won't do anything while you force me to do it!" He said.
I wanted to say, "I am not forcing you, you feel so just because you are resisting." but something stopped me to say so.
I saw his eyes, they were appealing like this, "Please wait for me!"
I smiled, and turned around, came back without saying anything.

When I got back home I was injured so badly that I could not get up for 3 days. That was the start of my long waiting days, not knowing when it finishes. It might be tomorrow, it might take 100 years, I did not know.
It was 11th Oct. 1994. About a week later, there was a news that USA and north Korea had an agreement. North Korea will stop making the power station which enables them to make nuclear weapons, USA will make another type of the power station for them instead.

More episodes to come....

On my birthday of 1994, I received a telephone call from my friend, M. She finally decided to meet J. They had the first date on that day, and have become very close, very quickly.
They both took the Avatar course. In Feb.1995 there was a Master course in Auckland, and J wanted to attend it. I was supposed to look after our children at home, but suddenly(he is always 'suddenly') , Stuart said that he wanted to go,too. So I had to go with him and with Kazu.

When I arrived, trainers(master's teachers) told me to attend the course, too. So I hired a baby-sitter again. I was quite famous among them as a bad master. They knew that I did not stop the student to hit the masters. So they told me to do the special correcting course with other masters. One of the NZ masters came and we did the practice together. She was a very nice lady. She said to me, "You are a very beautiful being." and went to the trainers and said, "Kyoko has no problems to correct." The trainers were not satisfied. They chose another powerful NZ master. He also said, "Kyoko has no problems to correct." They were not happy. I explained why it happened(hitting masters) to them but they could not understand. Maybe my English was too poor to explain.

S was at the course, too, because she lived in PN her daughter. Stuart wanted to go there so we went by a very little aircraft to meet S's daughter. Stuart went to school with her and he liked it very much. That is why he is in NZ now.
As I checked out the hotel I paid about 1000NZD by credit card but I have not received the bill yet for about 7 years. I thought NZ was a very strange country(No, it is a very nice country!).

J and M finally got married. Stuart said suddenly "I want to live in the next door." It was the house where the course was held. I thought it was a very good idea, so I asked them if they could live there. They said OK. So they moved in with Stuart and Kazu.

My parents were very angry to know that. "Why does your ex-husband live next door?" "For our children" I answered. They could not say anymore. But when they saw M did so well to children, they were very impressed, and said, "She is much better than you!"
But our neighbours could not understand what had happened at all. "A man just like your husband has moved in your next door. Is he his brother?" they asked. I said it was him. "Then who is the lady?" "She is his new wife." "????"

So everything went OK with J.
I did not write to Ts for a long time. I did not feel that I needed to. He already knew what he had to do, so if he does it, I do not have to do anything. But the situation was not so good. When the relationship between north and south Korea went bad, I always felt that he had a problem to solve, so I wrote to him.
I thought finding the real partner is most important to keep the peace of the world, so I often taught my students how to find the right partner. It is very simple. Be honest!(but sometimes it is the hardest thing to do)
Most of the students were very interested in, because it is very rare to hear that kind of lecture from a professor. Some male students often helped me. One of them saw Ts in his dream and said, "I can understand his feeling. Someone put a lot of coins in a bottle. He wanted to take them out so he made it up side down. But nothing came out. They were stuck!"

In October 1996, when the relationship between north and south was very bad, I met prime minister Hashimoto in my dream. It was a very strange dream. He suddenly hugged me and cried. I saw the similar dream almost everyday for 5 days. I nearly went mad. So I wrote him an email. "Hello, prime minister, I see you in my dream everyday. I would like to meet you."
Nobody expected that I could get a reply. But when I told this story to one of my students, she asked me. "Did you tell me this before?" "Of course not" "I feel like I already knew this story." She said. So I thought the reply might come.
Yes, it did come from the secretary of PM, saying " as PM is too busy to meet you, I can listen to your story. "
So I met the secretary and talked about my experience on 13th June 1994. I never told about "hugging" of course. The secretary was very surprised. "The crisis at that night is a top secret. How did you know? But I can understand why you wanted to see Mr Hashimoto. He is the only PM who is willing to help north and south Korea. " He promised me to tell Mr Hashimoto my story, but I could not hear from Mr Hashimoto since then.

Maybe you do not know about Mr Hashimoto very well. His mother died when he was a baby. He was brought up by his step mother. As my children were also brought up by their step mother, I could easily imagine his mother's feeling. I was just like his mother in my dream.
"Was I his mother in my last life?" I asked to myself. If so, it is very easy to understand the dream. As Mr Hashimoto had very hard days at that time, he might have wanted to see his real mother. If he saw his mother in his dream and heard about my dream....? Maybe it must be too frightening for him to see me. I do not know the truth, anyway.

still to come!

Kyoko

I could not get any responses from Ts, but sometimes my dreams gave me some messages. At the end of 1996, I had a dream like this.

I went in a room. Maybe it was his. I saw a lot of letters on the floor. They were all addressed to me. Someone handed me one of them. It said,
"Please do not give me up."
So I wrote a letter to him.
"I will not give you up. I do not want give you up, I cannot give you up. You already know that, don't you?"
If the message of my dream was exactly what he wanted to say, he might have thought that he did not have to write a letter to me. But that is too lazy.
I never know if I was right or not.

After that he moved to somewhere, so I could not write to him any more for a long time. I could not find out where he was.

But I was not worried so much. At university, I met a lot of students everyday. I liked talking with them, because I could advise them properly when they had a trouble. Obviously I had become much cleverer than before, not in academic sense, but in a way of solving problems. I could give them courage to be honest. I could be happy when I could help them. It was a very hard work to face Ts, but it did give me some precious power.

Quite often I felt that the students in trouble had similar aspects as Ts. I felt them like 'his parts'. I realized that all people were connected in somewhere, so if I could help them that meant I also helped Ts.

Sometimes I had some serious quarrels with male students. I always advised them to become honest, to do what they want, not what they has to. But some male students did not like my way of thinking. They liked to be trained rather than to be natural. They thought if people were not trained, they would become dull, very lazy. I believe that people can be natural, active, happy at the same time if they are engaged in a work what they really want to do. But after the quarrel we usually became very close, much closer than the ordinary students.

In 1998, I found out the place where Ts lived. He was in Osaka. I still could not hear from him. But I got an information of what he was doing. He started to work at an NGO to protect the environment.

In July 1999, I felt that I needed to see him again. North Korea was at a turning point, to open or to isolate. USA had made a proposal to North Korea, so they had to make the decision. I wanted to go to see him, but I needed something to push my back. There was a strange male student, who did not study very much, but had a serious quarrel with me about death. It seemed that he had an unhappy family like Ts. One day he came to see me and said. "I want to help you."
"How?"
"I will go to Osaka with you to see him. And I will give you one advice. Do not recede. Not one step. If you do he will never open again."
Osaka is far from Tokyo. It costs a lot to go there. But he said he would pay it.
"Why are you so willing to help me?" I asked.
"I feel that helping you means helping me." He said.

So we decided to go to Osaka on 9th Aug.1999. We made an appointment to meet on the train. I went to the station. I was on the train and the train departed, but he did not appear. I was panic! I looked for him everywhere on the train but I could not find him. Then I realized that he gave me a push.

It was quite easy to see him this time. I went to the NGO office. When I opened the door of one room, he was there, alone. 5 years passed since we met last time. But as soon as he saw my face, he said, "Go home!!" I was quite happy he remembered my face. But very disappointed that his attitude had not changed at all.

It was quite hard to talk with him. He kept saying he was busy working. I had to wait for a long time. But finally I had a chance to talk with him personally.
I saw his eyes. He looked uncomfortable. He often looked at the clock. I did no say anything. He finally opened his mouth.
"Say something!"
"You are not listening."
"I am!" He shouted. I look at him. And said.
"Did you read my letters?"
"I did!"
"All of them?"
"All of them!!"
And he continued, "I will tell you why I read it. To watch your movement, to prevent you from harming me. I can use them for the proof when I sue you."
I was not interested in his explanations at all. They were all nonsense!
As all what I wanted to say was already written in my letters, I did not feel I had to say something. So I said,
"Give me a hug!"
"I will, if you promise, don't meet me, don't write to me, don't talk about me to other people."
"I will meet you if you come to see me." I said.
"Don't come to see me!" He corrected.
"I already talked about you to hundreds of students."
"It's OK, Don't talk about me in the future. You can say you love someone but don't say my name!" (Don't you think it is funny?)
I thought about it. But I did not feel like I could promise.
"No, I can't promise. If I promise, it will be a lie. I cannot tell you a lie. I don't want to tell you a lie. I do want you to hug me, but I cannot tell you a lie for that."
He looked confused. "I said I WILL give you a hug! So promise!!" "No."
He started begging me. "Please!! Please promise!" "No." He was so funny!!
Anyway I succeeded to hold his body without promising anything at the end.( His hands were wide open.) But I was not happy at all. It did not feel like a man's body. It was like a pillow!
He pushed me back. He was getting angry again and started hitting me. His colleagues who were surprised to hear the noise came in and stopped him.

My visit ended like this. I did not think I could succeed. But I could tell all of our story to one of his colleague, who promised me to help me.

I stayed in Osaka till 12th Aug.1999. I thought I had to see him again before I come back home. So I went to his flat as I knew the address. But when I got there the owner of the flat said that he had already moved several months before. I was shocked. What happened to my letters? Maybe the postman knew his new address so he could read them. But the owner did not know his new address. (I do not know where he lives since then.)
The owner said, "He said he would go to see his mother during bon holidays (12th-15th). So he should go to Tokyo today."

I decided to come back. On the train coming back, I was very very sad. I felt that I had to give him up. So I wrote a letter saying "I will promise I won't write to you, I won't come to see you. I will give you up if that is really what you want. But please promise that you will be happy. I can accept you do anything if you are really happy. I love you." I cried a lot on the train, but I felt somewhat happy. I wanted to cry in front of him but I couldn't. If you can cry really sadly, you can feel happiness....
I went to his mother's house in Tokyo and put the letter in the post.

The next day, 13th Aug.1999, I received a letter from him. It said, "Don't write to me again. I will never read it." It was sealed by the post office, that meant he could use this letter as a proof when he sues me. I was not impressed. He was always extreme, always opposite to me. I wondered how he felt when he saw my letter after sending this letter. He must have regretted. (From that day, I got several telephone calls without saying anything for a week.)

On that day I heard a news saying that North Korea had decided to act positively for the proposal of USA. It seems that after he behaves extremely cruel to me, North Korea behaves positively. He always has to go to the extremely negative end to become positive, just like a pendulum. There is a saying in Japanese "It is darkest just before dawn. " But it is not easy for me!

Even though I did not know where he lived, I still knew his telephone number. So when I wanted to hear his voice, I could hear, at least, "Hello"(He always hang up when he heard my voice.)
On my birthday of 1999, I really wanted to talk to him. It was my 40th birthday. One of my students gave me a lot of courage, so I decided to talk to him. When he hung up when he heard my voice as usual, I did not give up. I kept ringing. I decided to ring until 12 o'clock. But it was 9:30 when he answered the phone. I said, "Today is my birthday. Please say happy birthday to me. That is all what I want." He said, "I will hang up." But he did not. I kept saying "Please say happy birthday." He kept saying. "I will hang up. I am not listening. I will hang up. I am not listening." But he did not hang up. So I ignored what he was saying and spoke what I wanted to say. I cried a lot. He did not say anything. I cried about 20 minutes and he finally hung up.

I thought he might have changed a little, but when I rang him up on Christmas eve, he was most cruel to me. I was very shocked. I rang up S in NZ. She is one of my best friend, she knows everything about us and gives me good advices. She said, "Just cry as much as you want. I will listen." So I cried a lot. I suddenly thought he might be more painful than me. If he cannot stop hurting me even if he loves me, he must be very painful, I thought. I felt like I could forgive him. So I rang him up again. He did not answer the phone, but after I kept ringing for about 20 minutes, he picked up the receiver. I said "I have become happy after I cried a lot, thank you." and I hung up.

Next day was a Christmas day,1999. I sent him a fax.

Happy New Millennium!
I wish next 1000years will be full of happiness and joy for you.
You are the man who taught me the deepest joy, the deepest sorrow,
the biggest happiness and the biggest pain.
I always respect for you.
I always love you from my heart. Kyoko 25th 12 1999

And I believed that we could meet again in new millennium.
Next chapter should be the last.

I thought I could meet him again soon, but things were not so easy.

But after I sent a fax to him I heard from M saying Stuart wanted to come to see me. They had moved to the North, very far from my place, because J moved his job in March 1997.
I felt that Stuart noticed what had happened to me. When he came to see me we went a lot of places and played together. We went to a horse riding club together and he liked it very much. I had attended the horse riding club of my high school, so I had a ride after about 20 years blank.

Horse riding is very refreshing and also teach you something very important. Horses always reflects your mental problem. When I am not confident or have a lot of fear, they behave very nastily, because Japanese horses have a lot of stresses spending all day in their narrow stable, unlike NZ horses. I have to be more confident and relaxed especially when I am in trouble. It is a very good mental lesson. So I decided to become a member.

I went there quite often after Stuart went back to The North, but one day, I fell off from a horse very badly. I felt something very wrong in my body. Although I did not look like injured at all, I thought I might die. I really needed his help. So I sent him a fax asking for his help begging his reply. "Please don't ignore me. If you do so, I would die." But there was no reply. Even worse, he suddenly changed his telephone number. (So I have lost all channels to contact with him personally.)

I felt I was completely ignored. It made me worse, I felt like dying. I rang up his office(NGO) but they said he was out. I wanted to talk to his colleague who promised to help me, but they said he was out, too. I did not know whether they were telling me the truth or not. I asked my mother and M to help me. They all rang up his office, but they did not succeed to talk to him either.

But at that night I got a telephone call from Ts, himself. It was 14th Mar.2000. He said," Hello, I am Ts. I heard that you rang me up today. What is the matter?" He sounded very officially. "I gave you a fax." "I receive a lot of faxes because of my job, so I do not remember. What kind of fax?" He was pretending as if he did not know whom he was talking to. He always hung up as soon as he heard my voice, so he must have noticed that it was me. I felt that he could not talk to me without pretending that he did not know me. I said, "Anyway you rang me up so I would get better." He pretended he did not understand. "If you have nothing to tell me, I will hang up, Good-by." That was the last time I heard his voice.

I felt that the situation had become much better, thanks to the mad horse? And Stuart suddenly decided to come back to me, as if he had noticed my change.

Although I could not hear any good news about North and South Korea, I was sure that there would be a good movement. In Apr.2000, North and South Korea suddenly announced the meeting of their leaders, Kim Jong Il and Kim Dae Jung, on 12th June. I thought I might be able to see him.　Even though I could not see him when they met on 13th June(the same date as 1994!), I felt very good power growing in the world.

I could see lots of my students becoming honest, finding their real partner. My Korean old master also found his partner. It is quite difficult for them, the self-training people, to accept the real partner, because they tend to believe that they have to do anything all by themselves. But I think that opening up our heart to the real partner is much more difficult than self-training. You have to be very brave because you have to give yourself totally to him/her. So it is much more precious. I wonder how can this world become one, if people can be perfect all by themselves. They do not have to open up themselves to other people. I think it is the God's wisdom to divide a person into two, man and woman, so that they have to open up themselves to other people to become perfect, which enables the world to become one.

I think I have become much more honest, much more brave, much more kind to other people since I determined I would not run away from facing Ts. (To meet him again, I had to!) It is a real training. You do not have to try hard, but you have to be very brave. Many teachers says that you have to try hard. But I do not think so. If you feel trying hard, that means you do not want to do it really, you are not honest. If you really want to do it, you can work really hard, without feeling you are trying.

I believe that every person in the world has his/her real partner, real job, real place to live which they really want to have, which can make complete harmony of the world. Once you found it, you can be happy, diligent, nice to other people very naturally. All you have to do is to find it, to notice it, by becoming completely honest. But it is not easy to become completely honest especially in the society like Japan. Many people believe that you should give up what you want to do and do what you have to do. But if you do so, you always have to pretend. You have to pretend to be trying hard, pretend to be nice to people. And you will get tired. Once you are out of control, you will become a very bad person. This is what is happening in the Japanese society now.

But I have a hope. Because many of my students understood what I wanted to say, started a new life, being honest. A young singer "Hamasaki Ayumi" sang many songs which meant just the same as I said, and have become very popular. She wrote the words all by herself. Young people are changing. But not the adults, like our colleagues, the professors. They are too afraid to be honest because they might loose their jobs. Most of them have a wrong partner or running a way from their real partner. I feel that people who live with their real partner are much less in Japan than in NZ.

I found a web site of the NGO where Ts was working, so I sent a mail to his colleague in Aug.2000. There was a reply. It says,
"Hello, Ms shioda, We do not know the man you sent your mail, but we wiil try to find him. We will be happy if you keep looking at our web site."
But no name. It might be him, but I do not know. Anyway I kept looking at the site and sometimes sent a mail to him. There was a 'general' reply.
"We are very sorry that we cannot send you a quick reply, but we are reading your mail." It looked like a mail addressed to all the people who sent a mail to them. But he might have written it for me. When I went to his office in 1999, he was sitting in front of the computer all day, so I thought he might make this web site, so I believed that he was reading my mail.

I did not like the NGO because I felt that they were all pretending people. They say very nice things, such as, be kind to people and make the world one, be nice to the earth...but how?? The boss of the NGO said that he was enlightened and acted as if he knew everything. But I do not trust people who do not have a good partner. (Now you know why I trust you so much??) They are always trying to be good, that means they are not. They insists that they have to make other people happy before they become happy, and that is the best thing to do. But I think it is impossible. I and other people are not divided. So if I am not happy, other people cannot be happy. If you do not allow yourself to become happy, you cannot make other people happy either. I think their thought is just the excuse of having not enough courage to open up themselves.

So I sometimes wrote to the NGO. "If you really want to be nice to the earth, to save the earth, you have to be nice to yourself, save yourself first. Because you and the earth are not divided. Otherwise your stress will destroy the earth. You are giving a lot of energy to the people who are destroying the earth." But completely ignored. I felt the NGO was just like Ts, just like North Korea. Never listening to the words which are criticizing them.

In Oct. 2000, I sent very serious mails to Ts, "You have to open up completely, just now. It is no use to open a little, open up completely, and I will accept everything." At that time North Korea was having a discussion with USA. When the defense minister of NK went to USA, I felt he was doing his best to open up himself.

But on 4th Dec.2000, I had a dream like this.
I looked back, and he was there. He was really him. (I had his dreams several times before, but I always felt something wrong. It was not completely him, the person in the dreams.) But It was really him this time. I was frightened. I ran away, as quickly as I could and hid myself behind a curtain. He followed me, he stopped in front of the curtain hesitating. I wished he would go away without opening the curtain!! And he did.

I realized that I had a fear inside of me, which I had not noticed at all. I believed that I could open up myself completely when the heaven told me to die in 1994. But I was wrong. I was too frightened to meet "real" him. I thought, It might be me not him, who disturbed our meeting again. He knew I would run away if he really came to see me.

So I sent a mail, confessing what I felt. And I thought all would go well, but it didn't. Because of the election of USA, everything went wrong just before the success.

I was really unhappy. I wanted to die. One day I got a telephone call from S in Wellington. "My daughter is in NZ now. Why don't you come with Stuart and play with us?" I asked Stuart if he wanted to go. He said yes. So We went to NZ on 22th Dec.2000.

Stuart and S's dauther produced a very nice energy when they were together. Stuart looked very happy with her. So I thought she might be his real partner. Anyway we had very happy days in NZ. When we went to Wanganui, I felt, "I might be able to live with him here." I could imagin I and him living happily together there. It was impossible for me to imagine "we live together" before, but I felt it might be possible in NZ. That is because NZ has such a good energy, NZ is the country where really happy people live, not pretending happy people.

I am sorry I have to suspend my writing here because I have to do something now. You have to read another chapter!! I really wish you are not bored. I found his photo in a web site so I will show you.

We came back to Japan quite happily from NZ on 9th Jan. 2001. In Feb. I found his photo in a web site, so I started sending emails to him again. At the end of Feb. everything seemed to be stuck, so I wrote him a lot of mails, saying, "It is only you who can break this dead end. Don't try to protect yourself. Let your power out." But most painful thing for me was that I did not know whether he was reading my mail or not. I really wanted to confirm that he was reading. On 1st March, I wrote a mail like this.

I always show my mail to him to Stuart because he always gives me a courage and a good advise. When he saw this mail, he said, "Perfect!! He might come."

But at that night, I had a dream, again.
I heard somebody was coming back who had lost his memories for many years. I was frightened. I was trying to run away with Stuart!
So I realized that I had still got a fear.

On 15th Mar.2001, North and South Korea was planning to have an event. The exchange of letter's of separated families. You might know about the separated families. There are about 10 million people who cannot see their loving family for 50 years. (I can understand their feeling well.) They were supposed to exchange letters. So I thought I might hear from him, too. But they are only 300 letters among 10 million, and they were not allowed to write a reply, so I thought no one could be able to write their real feeling.

In the early morning of 15th, I suddenly wanted to write an email to him. I wrote:　You might think you do not want to hurt me, if you become really honest, you might hurt me again. Yes, I am frightened to see you so you might force me to throw away something which I am clinging to. Is it money? My status? I am not! I won't run away as I know that it is right to come to you throwing away everything of this world. And I know that the ties to my loving people never be broken. But I am frightened. I cannot help it. So I cannot move. If I face you, I might try to run away. But the place I can hide is always the dead end. You have to give me a hug very hard. It is only the strength of your arms which can remove my fear away.

That day, there were unexpected visitors. They were policemen!!
They had got a sheet of paper of warning from Osaka police headquarters. It said, "You are sending emails which frighten Ts to death. He does not want them anymore, so please stop sending them. If you continue, you will be arrested."

I was very angry and said, "Why did you make this kind of paper without asking my situation? You had to listen to my point of view, too." The policemen looked very sorry. They knew that I was teaching at university. So they thought it was strange, too. My status is sometimes very useful. If I was just a woman, they might have behaved very rudely. They agreed to listen to me, so I told them all the stories.

They looked impressed and said, "We could not understand all of your story, but we listened to it very earnestly. We know you are a good teacher. We don't want you to be fired from your university. So please don't send emails any more to him." I said "I cannot promise."

I was angry not only because it was nonsense, but also because the policemen frightened my parents. I was very sorry to them. They were so worried about me that they might be sick. But suddenly I remembered the mail I sent him in the morning. If that was what HE wanted to say, the warning paper might mean, "I am reading all of your mails. But I am frightened. Please give me a big hug!!"
I could know what I really wanted to know, he is reading my mail, anyway. Maybe as I had asked him to show his darkest part, he did so. So I became happy again and wrote another mail: I was glad to know that you were reading my mail, thank you. PS I don't care to be arrested.

I sent a lot of mails after that but no policemen came (to my house). I wrote many passionate mails (I might be able to write a book about it!). And his reply were always "astral". Sometimes he pulled my legs, sometimes he choked me. Every time I wrote him a mail, "You can do anything you want. I will accept them all." I felt a very good energy.

In Apr. 2001, Stuart suddenly said he wanted to go on a trip on rail. He wanted to ride the bed car which was bound for Osaka. To Osaka? Am I going to see him?? I wrote an email to him, saying we were arriving at Osaka Station in the morning of 30th Apr. I believed that I could see him because I felt such a nice energy.

But when we arrived at Osaka station, he was not there. I was totally disappointed. I did not want to go to see him. I had decided to come back without seeing him.

But next morning, 1st May 2001, I suddenly changed my mind. I went to his office with Stuart. When I arrived at the office and said, "I would like to see Mr Ts.", the people at the office suddenly changed their attitude. "You are Ms Shioda, aren't you? He is out. Go away!" "I would like to talk with you, then." " We do not want to talk with you at all. Go away!" "I would like to talk about protecting our earth." They shut their ears. "Go away! If you stay here, we will call the police!" "Please do anything you want." Their face were all stiff. When I hugged them, they were all frightened, and treated me like a robber. But one woman was listening to me so I started talking my story to her, very calmly. But soon, a lot of policemen came and pulled me out. I do not care pulled out, but Stuart was there, he was shocked to see his mother pulled out by police. He still hates the man who called the police at that time.(He rarely hates people.)

At the police office, I was asked to wait for the boss of the police headquarters of Osaka to come. Boss of the headquarters? That is a big man! Thanks to my status again, they did not treat me rudely. When he arrived they started asking questions.
"Why did you come to Osaka?" "To ride a train." "???"
They were embarrassed. I explained everything to them, as they agreed to hear my story. To my surprise, the boss understood my story very well.
"I can agree your opinion that if everyone can find his/her real partner, the earth will be peaceful."
When I told about North Korea, he said,
"As I am in the headquarters, I know the movement of North Korea very well. I know there was a crisis at that time."
"When I do something, North Korea will move. So there must be some movement soon. "I said. He was interested in the story of PM Hashimoto, too. When I finished all the stories, they became fond of me. So they bought us our lunch and took us to the Osaka castle.

It was very nice to talk to the boss of the headquarters, but I was not happy at all. Because Ts run away from me again. I was very sad. But when I saw the newspaper two days later, I was amazed. Kin Jong Nam, the eldest son of Kim Jong Il(the North Korea leader) was arrested in Narita on 1st May. He had a false passport. The newspaper said that he wanted to go to Disneyland. (When many people are starving in his country!) It was exactly the same day I was forced to go to the police in Osaka. Maybe the boss was very surprised to hear the news.

After that things went just like a pendulum. I know it is necessary. It needs to go to the worst end to make it round the circle, where all the pain disappears. But it is really hard to me.

As I talk everything without hiding to my students, the boss of the university heard the story one day. He asked. "What happened to you? They say you went to the police, is it right?" So I had a chance to talk to my boss. But he did not give me enough time. He was worried that I might hurt the reputation of the university. "Write your resignation! I will accept it if you make any trouble."

I do not know why, but I was quite happy to write my resignation. It was 24th July, 2001.( But my boss has not accepted it yet.)

It was 25th July when Kim Jong Il, the leader of North Korea suddenly started the journey on a train to Russia. If he goes to Russia when I write my resignation, He might go to Seoul when I really resign, I thought.

In 2001 I sent a lot of emails to Ts. It is good because it does not take time to reach. I am sure he read them all.

But I have got a big problem. Many students started to complain to me. "You always give us a lot of courage. We always thank you. But why don't you show us your really happy face? We can understand it is important to be with our partner. But why are you still alone? If you keep us waiting, we might lose our courage. If you become happy we can be really happy!!"

I thought the time had come. They are becoming tired of waiting. They all believed what I said but now they really want to see the proof. I started to send more mails to him, saying "I really need you now. I cannot show them the proof by myself. You are the one who can show them the proof."

On 13th Nov. I declared to my students, that I would get married with him in 2001. Declaring does have a power to move the reality. But it is a kind of a gamble. If you do not succeed, you will lose all your confidences. I wrote a mail to him that I declared.

From Nov. to Dec., there was a war in Afghan. Every time I wrote an email to him, the position of Taliban fell. I could understand why it happened. The Taliban and the North Korea have very similar characters.

I really needed his reply. I begged him. But he kept silence except some telephone calls saying nothing. I felt that he was too frightened to say anything. So I wrote a mail like this.

It was 25th Nov. At that night I felt someone stepped on my neck, who succeeded to go up the step thanks to my neck. So I believed that he followed my advise. Next day I heard the news of falling Kandahal(?).

I was very pleased to hear the news like this.
"When the Taliban soldiers surrendered, the North alliance soldiers admired them that they were very brave. So they all hugged."
Yes, surrendering is very important thing to do. You have to be more brave to surrender than to die. So,
"You have to surrender! Don't die!" I wrote to him.

I kept feeling quite good energy, so I believed that I could marry him within 2001. I sent a lot of mails almost every day....

But nothing happened.

I was completely disappointed. I felt I lost all the energy. Stuart was worried about me. He advised me to go to the shrine on new yearﾕs day. I bought a fortune telling paper there. It said,
"It looks like you failed to achieve your desire now, but it will be achieved from now on, like a flower grows under the sunshine."

Yes, maybe. Maybe he might not to be able to do anything when I am powerful, when he feels that I still have the power to do something. If I lost all my power, then it is his turn to do something. But I was still very sad. I felt I had nowhere to live without him.

Stuart talked English very well until he was 5. But after he changed his mother, he suddenly stopped talking English. And he started to stutter. When he came back to me, I felt he'd better learn English again. I often told him to watch the BBC news, but he did not like it. Sometimes he refused to learn English. But I felt it was not because he does not like English, but he was shocked that he could not speak English, which he once spoke very fluently. I thought English is a very important factor for him to open himself up, as when he was very young he spoke English better than Japanese.

On 2nd Oct. He finally determined learning English when I bought Harry Potter's CD for him. He listened to the CD everyday since then.

Surprisingly there was a mail from S who was in Wellington, saying "What are you going to do with Stuart's school? If he wants to come to NZ, I can find a good school for him." It was the next day he started learning English. Maybe she felt something! It was S who chose this school for him. So thanks to her, we could meet you!

As Stuart made up his mind to go to NZ very firmly, I bought the tickets to NZ. I had lost my energy and was poorly just before we went to NZ. My university did not allow me to go to NZ either, because of the entrance examinations. But I ignored their decision. I might be fired because I already wrote my resignation(still not fired yet). But Stuart was more important for me than the job. There might be some change in NZ. I thought. I might meet somebody who could help me.....

The situation of North and South Korea and USA is very bad now. All the talking channels are stuck. But it might be the very worst end of the pendulum. It might go around by just one push. I think you might be the person who can give the push. That is why I wrote this story.

If North and South Korea are reunited, the world will change dramatically. It is the change of the pattern of movement of the energy. People who used to be opposite and fight each other begin to co-operate together, making up each other. It is the beginning of the new world.

Thank you for listening. You must be very tired!

Love, Kyoko